Blog

In my feed this week was a story about a 15-year-old boy who snaps a classmate’s bra repeatedly and won’t stop when she tells him to. Her teacher takes no action when she reports the incident and the boy finally snaps her bra hard enough for it to come undone. She punches him twice in the face and then he stops. She’s in trouble with school administrators and he’s not. Her mom questions that outcome and puts the school on the hot seat for failing to protect her daughter from sexual assault. What’s your perspective? Do you relate to the person who was the target of harassment? Are you concerned about a fair consequence for her aggressor and/or for her?…

#NothingAboutUsWithoutUs This powerful statement was reiterated in a conversation recently with a person that works at an organization that serves people with disabilities. First used in association with the disability rights movement, this saying now has meaning across social justice movements. A little history, from Wikipedia “Nothing About Us Without Us!” (Latin: “Nihil de nobis, sine nobis”) is a slogan used to communicate the idea that no policy should be decided by any representative without the full and direct participation of members the group(s) affected by that policy. This involves national, ethnic, disability-based, or other groups that are often thought to be marginalized from political, social, and economic opportunities.” It is not a new idea – as a political motto…

Alena Schaim, Executive Director and Instructor for the De Vargas Middle School program says, “Walk the Talk excites me because it goes beyond ‘Bullying is wrong.’ messaging. Students already know that bullying is hurtful and are affected by it. Walk the Talk gives them the empathy to identify with what others experience and concrete tools to help.”

Walk the Talk moves away from simplistic models of bullying – “she is just saying that because she is jealous” or “he must have low self esteem” and replaces it with a nuanced understanding of bias and stereotypes and how they play out at the lunch table – we help young people address bullying at its source.

Carolyn is an experienced psychotherapist who has been working in private practice on Manhattan’s Upper West Side since 1996. Empathic and direct, she offers therapeutic services for individuals, couples, and families. She appears as an expert on parenting issues for both television and magazine and is a regular speaker at local and national organizations. Carolyn holds a Masters degree from New York University, is a certified Imago Relationship Therapist and is a graduate of an advanced institute specializing in Parent /Infant therapy from the Jewish Board of Family and Children Services. Carolyn, we enjoyed our collaboration with you on Parent, Caregiver and Educator workshop so much. You‘ve offered workshops like this before. Prepare has been offering parent and educator workshops…

Our campers learned skills to turn scenarios in which they would otherwise have felt helpless into opportunities to use their greatest strengths—their voices—to set boundaries, advocate for themselves, and report abuse. They learned how to carry themselves to look like difficult targets—a key lesson with given that statistics report somewhere between 70% and 90% of people with disabilities being abused or assaulted.
The group that left the workshop looked very different than the group that came in. They sat taller, spoke louder, and had more confidence. I encourage anyone who works with a “vulnerable” population to reach out to Prepare. The training they offer is invaluable, especially to people with physical and cognitive disabilities. And, I cannot wait to see IMPACT:Ability transform the lives of a new group of students!
Donate to Emerging Strategies for Learning and Leadership (a 501 (c) 3 organization) to support training 6 additional instructors in the IMPACT:Ability program.

In a recent class with 9th grade girls, we did a version of an exercise where one person stands in the middle of larger group of their classmates. She represents the person in an abusive relationship. Each of the surrounding people, one by one, read an unsupportive statement and cut their connection to her by turning their back to her. As the circle turned their back on her, her abuser, standing just off to the side, is clearly the only one left that is there for her.

The exercise was repeated and the surrounding students read very supportive statements. They re-established a connection to her by facing her and reaching out their hands to her. The visual was clear and dramatic. The victim now had a network of relationships that would sustain and support her, whatever she decides to do.

The exercise was profound for everyone, most of all, the student in the middle. She had a dramatically difference response both times – feeling abandoned and alone and horrible the first time; ready to think, plan, accept help, and take care of herself the second time.

My takeaway from this series on IPV, reinforced deeply by that exercise just 2 weeks ago, is that my judgment isn’t what is needed. What is most important to the victim is maintaining a connection – possibly a lifeline. I won’t forget.

Hilary Bok at Vox.com, writing about why people stay, reminds us that leaving can be dangerous, even fatal. While leaving is not everyone’s goal, if it is, then it would make sense to stay “at least until you had figured out how to leave safely and cover your tracks.” Not always so easy – where to go, how to support yourself and children, dealing with blowback from friends, family, community, managing shame and self-blame. Let’s just say, it is a high bar for many. And, because someone hasn’t left yet doesn’t mean they’re not in the process of figuring it out – which might require time and great discretion for the sake of their safety.
The capacities one would call on to leave are the same capacities that are being eroded by the cycle of abuse – for example, self-respect and confidence. The longer the relationship lasts, the more those capacities are affected, and the more ties have been created – financial, children, household, community for example. Contrary to myth, most women (85%) in an abusive relationship do leave, or at least try, according to Sara Staggs.

Yes. The problem is bigger than football. Yes. Let’s stop wringing our hands at the violence of football players, as if they alone are the perpetrators (or condoners) of such behavior. Yes. Let’s actually listen to the people who tell their stories and believe them and address their needs. Yes. Let’s ensure there is on-going education to change both beliefs and behaviors about gender roles and violence. Yes. Let’s acknowledge that holding beliefs that some humans are less human or less valuable than others is seriously problematic because those beliefs manifest in behaviors that are harmful.

Melissa McEwan writes, “Privilege is dangerous. Supremacist thinking is dangerous. Dehumanization is dangerous. Failing to view another human as your equal, failing to acknowledge and respect their humanity, is dangerous.”

#StopBullying
First, communities can change their beliefs — even ones deeply held around ableism, or sexism, or classism, or lookism, or racism. Second, once those beliefs about difference and otherness shift — it naturally supports inclusion and kindness.

Anti-bullying work that includes a deep understanding of Bias and Stereotypes can deeply impact the community.

Janay’s wishes should be respected. Janay is free to make any choice she wants about staying or leaving; she alone is the final authority on what is best for her. She is still tweeting and posting on Instagram in defense of herself and Ray.

Ray knocking Janay out cold wasn’t her fault. Her desire to deflect blame off her husband, by “regretting her role,” asking for privacy because the constant drumbeat of the story keeps the memory of that evening fresh in their minds (like reliving the trauma over and over), and her concern over the welfare of her family after the loss of Ray’s job – these statements may be necessary for her own survival.